infinite upward mobility

*written January 31, 2017*

I woke up this morning with concern on my mind.
I often wonder if I’m doing enough to fulfill my needs and wants. But most of the time, I find myself not concerned with my own well being, but with the wellbeing of others. If I think about it for too long I start to get worried. Worried that I’m not taking full advantage of what the world can offer, and that I’m falling behind or have been behind for too long already.

For example, whenever a good relationship ended with me I would always be scheming in my head about how I could win back that person. To make them happy with me again. I would do everything I could. I remember, this one time, when this relationship was on the outs I began to force a good time by going to all of our old haunts and feeling so determined (or delusional) for it to turn things around. But in reality, I would be standing in a darkened park looking at the stars with a bored and unhappy person next to me. Even though I was with someone, I’d never felt more alone.

I would focus too much on “what” we did that got the endorphins pumping, and not the “why” or even the “how”. Not like “we used to go to the park after dark. That’s how we fell in love” but “we would go to the park after dark and look up at the stars and talk about how infinite our lives can feel and all the things we wanted to complete in our time. Then we’d look at each other and feel a comfort and reliability in one another so strong that we couldn’t think about anyone or anything else. We were it.”

But those feelings are fleeting for the most part when you’re a teenager/early-twenty-something with a successful hadron collider of hormones in you.Because life changes so quickly in that span of time.

Thefeelings become memories when they don’t work out in reality. Sometimes good memories. Ones you can draw positivity from, and build yourself up with. 

Those are the best ones. Not only for a positive feeling, but for the sense of mature handling. You got this.

But there are also the feelings that are held in and turned bitter in the bile of your negativity. These ones are also good. They build character. And when you overcome them in time, they become needed reminders. Reminders to not feel that way again, and the path you took to get over it became the road map for driving ever away from it.

Things are good for the most part. Sometimes it just takes time.

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